OGPlanet Forums: Noob ?

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   Just something i came across that reminded me of chobo and so many more others....

A. INTRO

I. What is this?

II. Defining 'Noob'

B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish

II. Where to find noobs

III. Behavior of noobs

IV. Noob religion

V. More about noob habitats

C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one

II. Major noob avoiding strategies

------------------------

A. INTRO

I. What is this?

This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a
noob is, how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to
avoid or get rid of them. It mostly applies to online forums, which are
the main targets of migrating noobs.

II. Defining 'Noob'

Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/n00b and a newbie/newb are
not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are
very beginner at it, possibly a little overconfident about it, but they
are willing to learn and fix their errors to move out of that stage.
n00bs, on the other hand, know little and have no will to learn any
more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get
praised about it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the
latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared to
encounter them in the wild if needed.

Noobs are often referred to as n00bs as a sign of disrespect toward
them, and it's often hella funny, but I will refer to them as noobs
during this reading.

* Usually the topic at hand on an internet forum.

B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish

Often, but not always, noobs will attempt to communicate in their
own primitive language, known as "n00bish." It is a variant of the
hacker language that exposes them as having little intelligence or will
to learn. Here is an example of some noobish. Do not attempt to
comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals at hand.

quiet you! /../..an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR
ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!!
LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u n00b

Although you may find this unbelievably funny and/or annoying, it
is best to restrain yourself and keep from talking back to them, as
they are very territorial and easily angered. This will result in their
attempted verbal abuse of you, possibly backed up by other noobs,
because they work in packs when doing offensive tasks. It is not an
easy task to learn this language because our intelligent accent will
keep it from sounding quite right when spoken. You can write some
simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your
keyboard repeatedly.

II. Where to find n00bs

On the internet, n00bs make their colonies on forums. They migrate
in waves, usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with
stupid questions and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be
unfortunate enough to be on a board large enough to attract migrating
noobs, there will hopefully be authority in charge who is smart enough
to take extermination measures before they can make nests and larger
colonies. THE BANNER HAMMER is one form of authority.

Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into spammers.
Not commercial spammers, but pointless spammers. A noob can become one
of these at any point, but the larger the amount of noobs, the more
chance pointless spammers will appear.

Off the internet, noobs appear anywhere the focus is on learning or discussing something specific.

III. Behavior of noobs

Since noobs are basically ignorant ~censored~, they have a lot in
common. The most often seen characteristic is their fluency in noobish,
which is why it got its own section. They will also be very self
confident as if they were the absolute best at what they are in fact
the worst at. Also, they are quite agressive and self-centered, and
tend to laugh a lot using many L's and O's in rapid sucession (the
noobish word for laughing like an ultimate ~Censored~).

It is their instinct to assemble in packs for defense, and they
often attempt to organize packs that they call teams. Unfortunately for
them, teams usually result in a total loss of communication and they
can often begin to fight amongst each other. These teams are quite
unlike those formed by non-noobs.

Noobs have difficulty reading English and cannot comprehend the idea of authority.

Therefore, they have an all-out disregard for rules, basic or not.
A good way to identify a noob (bad) vs. a newb (good) is to tell them
(or have an authority tell them) which rule they are unknowingly
breaking. If they respond with an apology and fix it, they are probably
not a noob. If they react by insulting everything around them in rapid
noobish and causing general mayhem, it is because they are a noob and
have had a small seizure due to their inability to understand what is
happening.

IV. Noob Religion

Noobs follow a variation of the 1337 (sometimes 7331) religion, in
which they worship the number in odd rituals and put altars in their
forum avatars and signatures. They often call themselves 1337, which
experts say is somewhat like calling themselves godly in a human
language. It's best to not interfere with their religious fantasies and
practices because that can lead to a noob uprising, which can turn a
forum to mush in less than a week.

V. More about noob habitats

Noobs often attempt to maintain their own web pages. Some common
features of these lairs are a terrible lack of content, background
music, lots of pointless animated gifs, and pages that say some
variation of 'tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!1!!~~~!!`!
13371337', which means 'Nothing here yet' in noobish.

They will also have large, seemingly infinite marquees of 88X31
affiliate buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and
possibly a hit counter showing a number less than 100. These habitats
are numerous but fairly easy to avoid because only noobs link to them.
So if you can identify a noob, don't go to its homepage. Simple as
that.

C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one

Note: This section is bilingual so even noobs can make the discovery if they haven't already.

English (T4lk)-

Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If you find yourself
unable to comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about
how great you are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is, you might want to take
one of the many available online quizzes to check your noobancy.

Noobish (133713371337)- Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and
tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh ~Censored~ u
gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n quiet you!u. if u r
a n00b go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!!!! a/s/l pos gtg n00b suxx0rz
ur b0xx0rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337

II. Major noob avoiding strategies

The main factor in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large,
active forum. If you find one of these, look to see if it has the
management to avoid noob infestation. If not, look for a small or
mid-sized forum that covers the same topic so you can enjoy your time
there before the noobs find it.

Another way to keep noobs from interfering with your life is to
become part of the authority on one of these forums. But that's often
hard to do so you'll probably be better off avoiding larger forums
first off. If you do manage to become part of the authority, however,
take full advantage of it and establish extermination policies so that
normal people can have a nice time without noob infestations.

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